Club Info
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CMQ Bookings
Club Info
Members Info
CMQ Bookings
We were a flight of three consisting of two Cessna 180s and one Maule headed into the Lake Parker holding pattern [for Sun 'n Fun 2008]. We had dropped to extended trail and began circling the lake following a Glastar, and we had two twins holding above us as well. After about 20 minutes of circling and waiting for the field to re-open after the air show, we were joined in the hold by a new Cirrus pilot.
Tail wheels, nice job keeping the separation. Keep the pattern a little closer to the shoreline on the west side of the lake. The field should open in the next 10 to 15 minutes. Cirrus, enter the hold behind the red-and-black high wing.
Control, we have a rental car waiting for us, and if we don't get down there in time they may give it away. Could we get priority consideration as soon as the field opens?
Control, we have cold beer waiting for us in the campground, and if we don't get down there in time, it may get warm. Could we get priority consideration as soon as the field opens?
All aircraft continue in the hold for now. We will advise when the field re-opens and release the aircraft as they arrived.
WestJet 123, you bound for Vegas?
Yup.
You a [7] 37?
Yup.
Well, I guess your passengers need a 37 to take home their winnings?
Nope! Our passengers can take home their winnings in a Cessna 152.
Toronto Centre, Cessna ABC leaving 2,000 for 7,500.
Cessna ABC, you can fly direct if you stop calling me "centre."
Roger that ... terminal.
Cessna ABC, destination is 12 o'clock 10 miles. Advise you have destination in sight.
Terminal, ABC has destination in sight.
Cessna ABC, Squawk 1200, frequency change approved, no traffic observed between you and your present position.
I think that's good!
Tower, Arrow ABC, eight miles north, inbound with India.
Arrow ABC, report right downwind runway 32.
Any chance we can get a straight in?
You said you were north, didn't you?
Yes, seven miles north.
Arrow ABC, the only way I can give you a straight in for Runway 32 is if you turn north and continue for about 24,000 miles.
[thoughtful pause]
Uh, okay. Sorry. Happy New Year ... .
Leafs win last night?
Yeah!
That's too bad.
[thoughtful pause]
You're not going to make us hold now, are you?
Probably not - but just remember, I'm not paying for the gas!
Centre, we just flew through the localizer. Can you vector us around for another attempt - early turn in?
Sorry about that. I was on the land line coordinating with Terminal and the guy just kept talking and talking and talking. I couldn't get him off the phone.
Yeah, I understand. Sometimes I can't get my daughter off the phone, either.
Well, she must be working at Toronto Terminal then.
On a particularly bumpy day ...
Toronto Terminal, Diamond Romeo Delta Sierra. I'm getting continuous moderate turbulence at 4,000. Request 6,000.
Diamond Romeo Delta Sierra, unable 6,000. Maintain 4,000.
Maintain 4,000, Romeo Delta Sierra.
[a few minutes later] Diamond Romeo Delta Sierra, change to my frequency 133.4
Toronto Terminal, Romeo Delta Sierra. Unable to change frequencies right now. I can't keep my hand on the radio knob in this turbulence.
Ground vehicle one, we’ve had a report of a hawk and a fox fighting at the approach end to 09. Please investigate.
[minutes later] Ground, this is ground vehicle one. The fight is over. The hawk won.
Yes! Once again, a demonstration of the clear superiority of air power.
The following exchange took place enroute to opening day at Sun 'n' Fun last April:
Jacksonville Center, Bonanza Two Zero Yankee. 11,000.
Bonanza Two Zero Yankee, Roger, Jacksonville altimeter 30.12.
Are you working a lot of traffic to Lakeland this afternoon?
I'll tell you what -- if you fell out of your airplane right now, you'd never hit the ground.
Piper FHZ, are you a single or twin?
I am a single with twin envy.
Say again?
Piper FHZ is a single-engine piston.
Centre, we’ve got continuous chop at 390. Is the ride any better lower?
Air Canada 123, standby. Jazz 44 how’s the ride?
Continuous chop at 350.
Air Canada 123, no joy. We’re getting reports of continuous light to moderate chop at all flight levels.
C’mon down big fella! The ride’s nice and smooth here at flight level 085!
I was sitting on the ramp just about to fly out the other day when hopping along came the biggest jackrabbit I ever saw. I thought I would advise ground control about it so they could spare some aircraft from making contact with it on the runway...
Ground, um, there's a big jackrabbit headed for the runway on TWY Alpha.
[pause]
Uh... I thought I would tell you so the people who take care of those things could do something about it.
Copy that. The coyote over there on Mike looks like he'll take care of it.
Arrow Eight Two Xray, slowest possible speed. Traffic ahead is an ultralight on a half-mile final.
Tower, we'll climb out so he can land.
Roger, climb and maintain 1700, runway heading. Arrow Eight Two Xray, cleared to land, caution, mowing in progress, right side of runway.
Roger, duck under the lawn mower ahead and avoid the one on the ground, cleared to land, Arrow Eight Two Xray.
While returning from a cross country...
Warrior ABC, enter right downwind for 35.
Roger, downwind 35.
Warrior ABC, wind calm, cleared for 22 if you like.
Roger. Cleared for 22.
[short pause]
Tower, am I cleared for 22? Because there is a truck in the middle of the runway...
Warrior ABC, go around.
[While applying power and retracting flaps] Could you get him to move over, because I don't think I can get around him.
GO AROUND! GO AROUND! GO AROUND!
I was behind a Grob 115 that checked in with the tower, holding short of the active, ready for takeoff, with a Shorts Skyvan on final. This is what happened next...
Grob abc, sit tight. I'll get you off just as soon as I get my shorts down.
[pause]
(With laughter clearly audible in background) Oh, you know what I meant!
The sound of cooperation.
Departing out of Edmonton AB, CYXD, Friday 27 Sept 06, I was talking to departure and after getting north a way...
Grumman RGG, I see you over [pause] I forgot the name of the town.
Morinville.
Right. Cleared enroute, radar service is terminated.
[pause]
Everybody on frequency pretend they didn't hear that.
Roger.
Wilco.
Seeing is believing... Overheard while in the pattern:
ABC, traffic at your one o'clock.
Looking for traffic.
[long pause...]
ABC traffic now ... your traffic at three o'clock.
Still looking. I only see birds over there.
Well, look close. One of them has a transponder in it.
There's a club for that, too...
An exchange overheard between an Australian charter company and ATC. The company was in mid-April flying a DC-3 carrying a wedding party at 2000 feet over Sydney harbour while the nuptials took place. The flight's pilot made sure ATC was aware and ready to coordinate a return to the airport...
...and, Sydney, we'll soon be finished with the ceremony and looking for a higher altitude for the return.
[soon after]
...So that's it. He does, she does, and that much is done.
Very well.
[pause]
You're cleared for the return at 5280 feet. (Laughing) And tell them to make it snappy.
Controllers on the ball...
Heard while established on a seven-mile final to Runway 1 at Republic Airport in Farmingdale, NY (FRG) January 1, 2002...
Republic Tower, Arrow 1234 nine miles north, landing with Victor.
Arrow 234 report the right downwind Runway 1.
Tower, any chance we could get a straight in?
Arrow 234, you did say you were north didn't you?
Yes, we are 7 miles north.
Arrow 234, understand the only way I can give you a straight in for 1 is if I turn you around and have you continue for about 24,000 miles.
I had a little trouble navigating a straight approach while laughing so hard.
Overheard late last Friday night at my local non-towered airport...
Unicom, request Airport Advisory.
Sorry, say again your sign?
I'm a Gemini. I like candle-light dinners and long walks on the beach ... but I don't see what that has to do with anything, right now.
While doing some work, heard the following exchange on Kennedy Tower freq:
Cactus 51, turn right zulu and golf, hold behind the plane that's stopped to recycle.
Cactus 51 we'll make the right zulu and golf, behind the recycled airplane ... whatever that means.
C'mon Cactus, you guys should know what that means, you fly Airbus' -- it's when the screens go blank and you have to restart them all.
Oh, yeah, we know about that. We just thought it was 'cause we were out of quarters.
High-speed taxi ... or low-speed takeoff.
I landed in the first 150 feet of a runway in a Flightstar (Vx = 40 KIAS) and was taxiing past the main taxiway where an Air Asia 737 was waiting...
9M-EAU please expedite.
Wilco, 9M-EAU. [...while acclerating to about 15 knots on the ground.]
We can wait, sir. If he goes any faster he'll be flying again.
Overheard at my local 'drome this [superbowl] weekend...
Ground, VJV at Pacific Aviation, VFR to the west with Victor, ready for taxi, we're going to need a progressive, please.
VJV, roger. Alpha three, right Bravo, hold short 27 Right.
[short pause]
Hike!
Overheard during fleet week practice over the San Francisco Bay;
Bonanza 1-2-3-4, opposite direction traffic at your 1 o'clock, five miles, five hundred feet above you, Blue Angels flight of two.
Negative contact, say again type traffic.
Two F-18s, blue and yellow. Currently at your one moving to two o'clock ... make that three o'clock ... um ... traffic no longer a factor. Caution, wake turbulence.
The price of progress...
I had been through the area five days before, controllers stated that they were having intermittent reception on my transponder. I later left their area and had no further problems on the flight. Just to be sure, I had a mechanic check it out, and he found no problems. Five days later, through the same control area, the same problem reared its head...
Cessna 12345, I am not receiving your transponder.
I don't understand that. I had the same problem with you last week and I had the unit inspected with no problems.
Well that's peculiar. In that case, maybe it has something to do with the 1950's technology equipment built in the 1970's held together by 1990's duct tape we're using on this end. Come to think of it, it's probably us.
An oldie, but a goodie...
A fighter pilot called for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running, "a bit peaked." A controller responded and the lore follows...
Roger. You're number two behind a B-52. They've had to shut down an engine.
Ah, yes ... the dreaded seven-engine approach.
While flying into Cheyenne one spring day the tower anounced to pattern traffic...
Piper 1234 be aware of a flock of birds off of runway 12.
Tower, we have birds in sight off our right wing.
Piper 1234 can you deternime what kind of birds they are? ...Geese?
Tower we have a flock of cranes off of our left wing.
Cessna 567. Can you tell what kind of cranes?
(pause)
They appear to be unlit cranes.
Had that one coming...
Overheard while waiting for takeoff on Runway 28:
Cessna ABC, waiting in sequence.
A little too much information, ABC ... but I'll bet you look adorable in sequins.
Caution: Greenhorn on the runway...
As I taxied into the number two position (holding short of the runway behind one of the local flight school aircraft) I switched to tower frequency -- just in time to hear the following transmission between the tower and student pilot:
Skyhawk ABC taxi into position and hold.
(pause)
Aaaah ...
(short pause)
... Assume the position, ABC.
As heard over the Palomar Tower Freq. back in 1981, from a female controller to a distinguished elder gentleman pilot (and friend)...
Tiger Moth on the right downwind, say your intentions.
Strictly honorable Ma'am, strictly honorable.
Just another day around the patch...
Experimental ABC, we'll try to squeeze you in. Number one, cleared to land, runway 26 left. Be advised, traffic close behind you.
Number one for 26 left, ABC.
(pause)
Experimental ABC, turn your base now, please, and keep your speed up. Traffic, a Hawker jet 10 miles out, number two behind you.
Uh ... roger ... be advised we're already pedaling as fast as we can.
The new math.
Toronto center, Airline ABC, any ride reports up ahead? We're getting continuous light to moderate here at two-eight-oh.
Airline ABC, Toronto center, no ride reports for your area, but I've got three-zero-zero available. That's a brand new flight level ... so there shouldn't be any potholes in the road yet.
Short runway, shorter fuse, and usually carrying less animated cargo...
Understand you're without cargo today. If you're light, cleared for runway 6.
All I have on board is my wife ... and she's heavy, but not THAT heavy.
(pause)
Roger C-GABC, and she's flying with you, now?
Yep, she's got her headset on and is punching the heck out of me. Cleared to land runway 6, C-GABC.
Copy. ...We'll roll the trucks.
Cheerokee 140, C-GABC, 2 miles south of Rougemont at 2000 feet in direction of Quebec. For any conflict contact GABC on 126.7.
Thank you...
(pause)... Can we talk about Palestine?
While coming into Grand Forks on a rather slow day, I was awaiting the freq change to tower...
Approach N*** looking for tower.
N*** 12 o'clock, 11 miles. It's the tall one.
(pause)
(laughing) N*** squawk VFR contact tower eighteen four have a good day.
(...Maybe they could see my expression through the radio.)
Brown Field, south of San Diego has an 8,000-foot runway offering multiple intersection departures for smaller aircraft (and exits for larger ones)...
Brown Tower, experimental ###, holding short of 26R on Bravo. Running late and ready to go.
Experimental ### hold short landing traffic ... Citation on four mile final.
: Hold short 26R, ###.
Experimental ###, can you make room over there on Bravo for the Citation coming off the active?
We'll pull off into the run-up area, ###.
Thank you.
Yup. But if there's anything else we could do ... like if they decide their limo needs shining ... please find someone else.
A long time ago, bopping along in my 180 Arrow at 10,000 feet, IFR in VFR conditions, from Boston to Kalamazoo. It had taken me 20 minutes to get that high -- 10 of that for the last 2,000 feet. Then, Cleveland Center asked me to climb to 11,000 feet for traffic...
You mean it?
Sure do.
Do I hafta?
Yep.
Okay ... but it's gonna take me ten minutes or better.
Okay, then if I ask you to descend to 9,000 for ten minutes, how long will it take you to get back to 10?
Oh, 'bout the same, 1MV.
Okay, I guess I'll have to go to plan B.... 1MV, maintain one-zero thousand. United 123, turn right 20-degrees for traffic; American 456, maintain niner thousand for opposite direction traffic, 12 o'clock 10 miles at 10 thou; Trans World 789, cancel direct, turn right 250-degrees, and stop the descent at 0ne-two thousand ...
Climbing through 800' past the departure end in my Cherokee, I heard the tower clear a Cheyenne for takeoff. As I waited for tower to call me out to the Cheyenne for the inevitible pass, I craned my neck around hoping to get a visual. When neither occured, I voiced my concern...
Exec tower, Cherokee 123, what can you tell me about the Cheyenne at my six?
Oh it's a BIG, PRETTY plane; with wings and wheels, and it looks like a big Tylenol...
Candor in Caldwell
Caldwell tower, Super Cruiser N### has just departed Morristown, I would like to transition your airspace to the north.
Super Cruiser transition approved at or above 1700 ft.
(About 5 minutes later...)
Super Cruiser, say again aircraft type.
Caldwell Tower, I am a PA-12, 1946 Piper Cub Super Cruiser, just a bit old and slow.
Roger ... not unlike some of us in the tower.
(Three runways, two intersections and a lesson in geometry.) While doing touch and goes at my home airport...
Experimental XYZ, cleared to land 17, hold short of 35.
Roger, cleared on 17, hold short of 35.
(Several seconds later.)
I want to see this!
Me, too!
Uh, Experimental XYZ, make that hold short of 22.
Darn!
Everybody's a critic...
Overheard on a busy training day while joining the traffic pattern at Caldwell airport, N.J...
: Cessna ###, traffic at your one o'clock and 1,200.
: We've got a Piper flying an extremely tight pattern ... or a go-around.
: Piper ###, traffic, a Cessna, at your five o'clock and 1,300.
: We've got a Cessna flying and extremely distant downwind ... or landing somewhere else.
From our "Finer Points of Maintenance" file...
"Remember, you really only need two tools: WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use the WD-40. If it moves and it shouldn't, use the duct tape."
Overheard enroute from RMG to 45J...
Approach, Skylane N###, Could I have a right turn direct my destination?
Standby. I'll check to see if that Dash 8 doing 200 knots up your five-o'clock feels like wearing you on his lapel...
Overheard while approaching the control zone in Wellington, New Zealand.......
Request entry into the zone with Charlie 1021, currently 20 miles to the south west at 2500.
Cleared to enter the zone via the Sinclair Sector 1500 feet or below.
Cleared to enter the zone via Sinclair at 1500 or below.
(A few minutes later...)
ZKxxx, suggest you descend to 1500 immediate to avoid a fast approaching pile of paperwork.
Cape Approach, can we get direct Boston?
Your wish is my command...
Approach, got time for another wish?
Nope, you used up your wish.
I don't get three?
Carrier 1234, did you say Boston, or Austin?
...I'll take that as a "No."
All pilots, use caution for flocks of birds on and in the vicinity of the airport...
Skyhawk XXXXX, be advised there are 10,000 seagulls near the approach of runway 15.
Roger. Is that an official count?
Just a quick count.
(pause)
Skyhawk XXXXX, be advised there are 10,435 seagulls near the approach of runway 15 ... and you're cleared for the option.
Overheard December 17, 2003, at a local gliderport...
"A moment of silence everyone, for today we celebrate the 100th anniversary of the tow plane."
Over T.O. on a gorgeous CAVU Sunday...
: Toronto Terminal, Cessna XXX with you at 4,500.
Cessna XXX, Roger, Altimeter 30.69 and numerous targets in your vicinity.
Could you be more specific about the targets?
OK, 12 o'clock, 1 o'clock, 2 o'clock, 3 o'clock, 4 o'clock, 5 o'clock - would you like me to continue?
Negative, we get the picture...
Overheard on the Mexico City ground control freq....
Ground control, F-100 ready to taxi.
F-100 clear to taxi to Runway 5 left. Follow the 767 ahead of you.
Where is the '67 going?
To Madrid ... but you just follow him till before the runway!!!
From Grand Rapids tower...
: I see that your flight plan states, "no ice".
(pause)
Won't the passengers be upset?
Sorry, I couldn't help myself.
I was taking my brother for his first flight in a GA airplane. He was somewhat nervous and a little overwhelmed by what we go through to launch a flight. I picked up the local ATIS on my handheld before engine start and, after we got in the plane and were ready to call for taxi clearance, I briefed him on the kind of radio transmissions he would hear as we taxied out and took off. That education behind us, I called for taxi clearance:
Skylane ABCD, West hangers, with MIKE, request taxi clearance.
Before I could get a word in edge-wise, my brother, Mike, (with awe in his voice...) said, “You have to even tell them who is with you?”
It took several minutes for me to regain composure and get on with the flight.
Citation XXX, Vancouver Center now on 123.75.
127.35, have a nice day.
Citation XXX, that frequency is 123.75.
Sorry, 123.75, we were dyslexic but we're KO now.
Continental XXX give me a good rate please through FL100?
Well sir, we are doing 2000fpm
Could you make it 3000 fpm?
No Sir.
Oh... do you not have a speedbrake?
Yes sir, I do, but that is for MY mistakes, not for YOURS!
Overheard on tower frequency at Dorval airport, several years ago...
Cessna CGxx., say your location.
I'm over here!
As I was heading across Northern Alberta a few months back, at the height of the Iraqi war, and wanting to cut through CYR213 around CFB Cold Lake, I had the following exchange with Cold Lake Terminal...
Cold Lake Terminal, Musketeer 123 requesting transition through CYR213.
Restricted area currently off limits, but let me talk to them at Ops.
(About 20 seconds of dead air and then Cold Lake came back to me.)
Musketeer 123, Proceed through the restricted area as requested, they need some practice on slow targets.
Overheard while flying east from Dayton...
Cirrus 123, what's your speed?
Now showing 200kts over the ground, on the GPS.
That's one fast-moving cloud!
While flying through Colorado Springs Class C the other day, I heard the following exchange:
Springs Approach, United 1234. We can't read the localizer. Is there a problem?
The box is actually sitting right behind me. They're doing an upgrade and it should be back in service this Winter.
We can't hold that long.
Heard on a pre-flight announcement from an Air Canada pilot:
On our flight today, we will be flying at 35,000 feet. To give you an idea of how high that is, we would be able to fly over 50 CN Towers stacked one on top the other.
Our speed will be about 500 miles per hour. That is just over the muzzle velocity of the standard military Browning pistol.
We will be pushed along by two Pratt and Whitney JT-8D-200 turbofan engines. While thrust to horsepower varies with altitude, the total 40,000 pounds of thrust is greater than the combined power of 10 D-9 diesel locomotives.
In other words, we're faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive, and able to leap tall buildings in a single bound.
The definition of irony: Naming an airport after a President that fired all of the Air Traffic Controllers
An exchange observed between the pilot of a sleek experimental and a Cessna driver shortly after they both taxied to the ramp...
: Wow. That thing really moves! You must have to wind the rubberband really tight.
: Nah, I just installed an extra hamster wheel. You're jealous?
: ...About 50-knots jealous, yes.
An exchange overheard between departure control at a Canadian airport and a B727 pilot.
Where's Annule?
What is it ... an intersection or something?
I don't know.
Where did you see it?
On the screens in the terminal. Lots of airlines go there but the flight's always cancelled.
(laughter) Welcome to Canada, Monsieur. "Annule" is French for "cancelled."
Ah. Oui, oui.
While flying in Saturday morning around 10:30 am to the EAA southwest show at New Braunfel's (BAZ), the very busy tower and an experimental aircraft on final had this exchange.
Tower, experimental ABX, I'm dodging a bunch of airplanes.
Good, keep dodging. You're number 4 on final."
Years ago, as a student pilot, I remember the fear when my instructor told me we would be flying into Class B (then known as a TCA). What happens if I miss a call? What happens if I blow an altitude, or screw up a heading? He kept re-assuring me that I would do just fine. But I wasn't convinced.
I made contact and entered the airspace, flying my assigned altitude and heading with sweaty palms, listening to the pros.
Suddenly, ATC, in a very cynical, condescending tone, barked out "Heavy 560, WHERE are you going?"
A rather timid voice came back with "Heading 260, sir."
"I said 360! Fly heading 360. Just where do you think the airport is?"
"Roger ... 360" was the reply.
"Cessna XYZ, fly heading 300."
"Heading 300, Cessna XYZ."
"Thanks, at least SOMEONE here can follow instructions."
From that point on, flying in controlled airspace was no sweat.
Having just rolled out and made my way to the taxiway, I contacted ground control. The taxiways were very lengthy and one way. This would have added nearly a mile to my travel to the gas pumps which were only several hundred yards away. "Ground control, Cessna ***** at Alpha 6, can I "fudge" a bit and turn left to the pumps?"
After a short pause, "Cessna *****, fudging approved."
We often have strong winds in Texas. But they usually pick a direction and stay put. This particular night while returning to home base at ADS, the ATIS said the winds were 150 at 15 (right down the runway). Since I was getting a real workout on the controls, I called for a wind check.
Variable, 120 to 180, 22 gusting to 32.
(With sarcasm) Oh, that sounds like fun.
We've got the cameras rolling.
After arriving in SLC we checked in with the ground controller. His radio wasn't the clearest. As we were taxiing to the ramp another aircraft asked the controller, "Has anyone else told you your communications are garbled?"
Ground replied, "My wife!"
A friend of mine was cruising along in his turbo arrow at 18,000 feet one day when a 737 was called out to him at his 1 o'clock and 15 miles passing to his left. The 737 crew was similarly advised. When they passed, the 737 Capt remarked "What are you doing up here?" My friend replied, "About a 178 knots."
Seen on a Yahoo Message Board regarding a story about a pilot who Sunday made a successful emergency landing on a freeway in Anaheim, Calif.:
"THIS JUST IN - Chicago Mayor Richard Daley plans to carve giant "X"es into the Riverside Freeway at midnight tonight."
More from our "It's all about priorities" file...
Saturday a.m. -- during Round 2 March Madness in Illinois. After too much coffee and two hours of touch & goes I was on base after an extended downwind. Two regional jets were waiting for IFR clearance and for me to get out of their way.
Tower, Cessna 345 on two-mile final for Runway 29.
Will that be touch and go?
No, the Illinois game is about to start soon. This will be full stop.
Nice Priorities. Go Illini!
Well, that and I really have to pee.
Roger 345. Clear to land on 29. Best of luck with both.
Skyhawk 735 do a one minute 360 for spacing on the final.
A standard rate-turn 360 degrees takes two minutes
Do a 180 and back 'er in.